My parents are getting older and I want to talk to them about what that means. Where do we start? And what do I need to know so I can help them?

~ from Curious in Cleveland

Dear Curious,

Hoo boy! You’ve chosen quite the subject for my first reply here at AgeSmart! 411!  But it’s one I’m happy to answer, know something about, and think I can help you with.

So here we go!

Families can be weird, dontcha know. They can talk about anything – politics, religion, you name it.

Except!  There seem to be two topics they avoid.

1. Sex
2. Conversations about getting older and what that will mean for the kids.

OK – sex. Sorry, but I have no advice for you. (Maybe you have some for me?)

But when it comes to conversations about growing older and all that entails, I’m your girl. I’ve been there – twice – first when my father and I had the conversation (MANY moons ago!) And since then, I’ve have had it with my children – all of whom are possibly older than you. S0 let me share some perspective, ideas, and resources.

Let’s begin by being frank. When older parents and their adult kids are ready to have “the talk” – the elephant in the room is that the conversation is about end-of-life issues. And that’s USUALLY the barrier all by itself – no one wants to acknowledge that older parents are closing in on the end of their lives.

But the truth is – we are all closer to the end of our lives today than we were yesterday! Right? That’s true every day – for everyone!

Set the Stage

Setting the stage for these sorts of conversations can be proposed by either the parent OR the adult child (so Mom or Dad – When you’re ready – why don’t you take over?) There are even experts; professionals who facilitate these kinds of conversations with families. I’m not going to touch on that in this response except to say that, yes, you need to start somewhere.

Be Curious

The best I can do for you today is to provide to you a list of topics that are important to broach in the very beginning of “the talk.”. A recent article in the New York Times called 5 Conversations to Have With Your Aging Parents, listed them beautifully – so that’s a resource for you. Their list includes:

• Observe and ask about your parent’s “baseline.” Their baseline refers to their current mental and physical status. This may be more of an assessment than a conversation. Talk to them, learn their routines, ask them if they have fallen, discuss how well they are eating, if they are taking their pills, and how often they have social time with friends or neighbors. The article tells you how to respond if they question why you ask.

• Ask about Medical Challenges and History, ranging from prescriptions and supplements each parent takes (or even better, knowing where that update-able list is kept) – to lists of medical professionals, Medicare, or other insurances, all the contact information needed, and any additional information that regards health, wellness, and medicare needs. Should an emergency arise, you’ll need some basic answers to get started with their care. 

• Ask them what matters most to them. What gives their lives meaning? What brings them joy? What makes them worry, and what do they want to avoid? Don’t assume that what you want is what they want. Ask them! Including: what are their choices for end of life? Do they have a DNR? Or do they object to a DNR?

• Assess their living environment. Are there ways their home can be more accessible (push-down door handles, grab bars in the shower, living on one floor, etc). Are there safety concerns?  Decide if it’s time to have a conversation about their NEXT living environment, like a 55+ community, or assisted living. You can emphasize that you aren’t looking to make them move. That you’re just asking them about preferences in case that need arises.

• Choose your family’s point person.  This is the person who your parent(s) believes is best positioned to make decisions on their behalf. NOT the favorite kid. NOT the geographically closest kid. NOT the oldest kid. The best point person is the one who understands and embraces all those observations and answers from the discussions listed above, and is willing to make the difficult decisions necessary if and when the time comes – in an emergency, or at the point it’s necessary.

What’s Next?

While I think this list is quite comprehensive, it’s really just a start. There’s MUCH more information that should be shared as life and old age continue to evolve. There are legal considerations, money considerations, discussions about what a funeral or memorial service preferences are, who needs to be contacted, plus who’s going to keep the pets, and even who should dig up Aunt Matilda’s favorite rose bushes.

But, Curious – you asked where to start, and I think this does it. Hope you find it helpful. As time goes on, we’ll add must more information here at AgeSmart! 411, so please come back frequently.

PS – Anyone else want to help Curious? What tips do you have? What has your experience been?  Please add to the comments below.